The Letters Of A Soldier
by perfectsmuttyvampire
Summary: I have all your letters in a box under our bed, all still in the envelopes. I read them every night, before I go to sleep. And I pray you are safe, and that you will come back to me…
1. 24 01 10

**_TITLE: The Letter's Of A Soldier_**

**_SUMMARY: I have all your letters in a box under our bed, all still in the envelopes. I read them every night, before I go to sleep. And I pray you are safe, and that you will come back to me…_**

**_WARNING: Rated M for emotional content, no smut._**

**_PAIRING: Bella/Emmett_**

**_Authors Note: Possibly one of the most emotional pieces I will ever put pen to paper for. There is no smut in this story, I have rated it simply and purely for it's emotional content. The Letters Of A Soldier is about a soldier who is stationed in Iraq. It is entirely made up of letters between Emmett and Bella, and the private diary entries of the pair. I chose to write about this because it is an issue that effects probably most of the population. I am trying very hard to handle this with the upmost sensitivity, and feedback on this story is incredibly important. Please just drop me a review, to let me know how I do._**

**_ALSO: If it's italics, it's a diary entry, if it's normal font, it's a letter._**

_24th__ January, 2010_

_My darling Bella -_

I miss you already, and it's hard to believe that I only said goodbye to you three days ago. I'm safe at Camp Bastion, and already I want to be back at home, smelling the lasagne that you make so well. Seeing you, listening to you grumble about the day you've had teaching seventeen year olds who never listen to you and don't do their homework, making you stay late to give detention. Already I want this tour to be up, and to be back with you. Only six months, my angel, six months, and we'll be together again.

Please, don't worry too much about me. You know that this is my final tour, and after this I'm going to settle down and get an honest job - which is probably going to require your help, as I can't think of one right now. It's as sandy as ever, and there's already sand in my sleeping bag. And in my boots, my pockets, my bag. I swear, the dust is possessed, it gets in places you wouldn't think it could until you find it. Edward and Jasper send their love to you, and I found myself once again forced to wave my wedding ring under their noses. Those two have it so bad for you, it's not even real, darling. All the guys think you're beautiful, most of them having seen the picture of you I carry in the pocket of my fatigues. My entire platoon is lusting after my wife - how am I meant to feel about that? I can see you blushing whilst you read that line, and smiling, torn between embarrassment and a touch of healthy female vanity, and that damn modesty that means you'll never accept it as true. The RAF team are here tonight, and the laughter is almost constant. If you shut your eyes, and listen hard enough, you could believe we were on some beach, having a party. Think of it like that my darling, pretend I've taken a vacation.

Hows that student of yours, the one you complain about the most? Mike? Tell Black that he'd better take him in hand, and tell him and Ness that I sort of even miss them too. Also, remind Jake that if he does plan to make an honest woman of your sister, could they hold the wedding until _I'm_ there to make inappropriate comments? Those kids at that school had best be treating you right, and I really hope Jake will sort Mike out soon, because I really don't want you to be writing to me, telling me you've been banged up for multiple assault charges.

You won't believe this, babe! _Carlisle flaming Cullen _is the new medical officer! You remember him, he's the one who patched you up that time we stayed on the army base for six months. I'd imagine you became fairly good friends. He says his wife Esme is moving to Forks - and Alice and Rosalie, their daughters, are going to need a babysitter. They're two and five respectively, and apparently they're angels of the first water. You remember Esme, don't you? I haven't volunteered you, don't worry, but Carlisle says if you could help Esme out occasionally, he'd be eternally grateful. You know she works as a designer? Sometimes she goes away for a day or two, never longer than that. She takes Alice and Rose as often as she can, bit sometimes it isn't appropriate. You'll love them. Apparently they'll move in on February the first, and - get this - to the house just down the street that was up for sale. If that isn't fate, I don't know what is.

What are you doing right now? I imagine you'll be cooking something divine, it's about dinner time in Britain, I think. I think Jake and Ness are round, keeping you company and making you laugh to stop you thinking. I think you're maybe watching a crap film on TV, getting in the chance to watch one without me interrupting and making rude comments about your chick flicks. Or perhaps you're alone tonight? If you're on your own, you'll be listening to music and marking essays. Making snide and sarcastic comments about them and the stupidity of some. Writing in big letters all over spelling mistakes, especially when it's a quote they would have copied from ma book. And there will always be one who's lifted it off the net, and thinks they'll get away with it. And you'll have a glass of wine. When you've done that, you'll call Renee, check in on her and Phil. Then you'll call Charlie, make sure he is eating properly. You'll have a little worry, and this weekend you'll go round with some pre-made meals, that he can put in the microwave. Then, when all that's done, you'll put the TV on, watch some comedy show that'll make you laugh, because then you won't think. You'll have a cup of de-caffe tea. Then you'll go to bed. I know you so well, babe, you can't deny it. I remember you said once that I needed to stop stalking you. I asked you to marry me instead.

I love you, Bella. I love you for eternity, and I'll love you beyond that. Keep strong, my angel.

_Hugs and a million kisses,_

_Emmett. _

_24.01.10_

_Patrol is about to start, and I've signed off my letter to Bella. I haven't got much time, so I'll write here what I'm too scared to tell her. I'm terrified every time I go out onto patrol, thinking that this time, I won't come back. I'll never see her face again, never hear her laugh. that's the difficult bit, the scary bit. How I'd survive, anywhere, be it heaven or limbo, or whatever's on the other side, how I'd survive that without her. If these people here are right, if I am an infidel and I am going to hell, then all the fire and the pain would be manageable if I had Bella. My idea of Hell is anywhere when I know I have no hope of seeing her again. That's what I'll never tell her, so I won't worry her. I hope she knows I love her. I can't say it enough, but I hope she knows it any way. If I die, I know that they'll return all my personal belongs to her, because she's my wife and because she's the only one left now. So she'll get this diary. I wonder if she'll ever read it, if she gets it? I love her. Baby, I love you._


	2. 27 01 10

_27th January, 2010_

_Emmett_

Seriously, angel, you have to stop stalking me. I know you know me better than my parents, but there is something about knowing my routine in the evenings when you aren't even here that is sort of scary. I got your letter this morning, and I'm writing this in my office during lunch break. Jake and Ness came round last night and we talked. They're officially engaged, and have promised that they're waiting until you get home to tie the knot and sign the deal, as it were. Tell Edward and Jasper that they're both mad as hens, and, of course, that I love them both very much. You know I'll never abandon you for one of them, although maybe for them both.

And don't ask me not to worry, please don't do that. Then I just worry and feel guilty for worrying. Baby, an honest job isn't really that hard to come by, you know. I did look at leaflets for the police force. I thought you might like that. Charlie says he'd welcome you with open arms. It's not like we have much of a crime problem, I know, but maybe you could do that. Or you could take up mechanics. Jake needs more hands at his garage in Port Angeles. You fix the car whenever you're around to fix it. By the way, we're going to have to start thinking about replacing it. The damn clutch went again. I know you love the truck, really I do, but it is definitely on it's way out. The engine keeps making a funny noise, and Jake says there's an issue with the exhaust and with the pistons, whatever they hell they are. And finding parts for a 1950-something Chevy is not fun and it is bloody expensive. It'll probably work out better if we just replace the damn thing. Jake reckons he can keep on the road until you're home and can choose a decent car, but if he can't, he's going to help me look.

And I'm not pretending you're off on vacation, I'll just get annoyed that you didn't take me with you. I thought Bastion was the British base? What are you all doing there?

Mike is as annoying and crude as ever. He does seem to be trying for a bit of sensitivity, probably because his mother has reminded him that you're in Iraq. Of course it's sandy, you fool, you're in the damn desert.

Carlisle, really? And it's not funny, I can't help being clumsy. Well, remember me to him and I'd love to baby-sit! From what I remember of the girls they were darling little things, although Alice was just a newborn and Rose only three. She'll be moving in soon, so I'll make something nice and take it round for dinner on their first day. Moving house is such a pain, the foods always the last thing you find in all the boxes. Not that I'm eating much these past few days, I'm still feeling sick. If I'm still like this at the weekend, I'll go and see the doctor.

I miss you, darling. Like it's a hole in my chest and I can't help but be thankful that this is your last tour. I know you love the army, I know that, but I'm still grateful that when you step off the plane in six months, that'll be it. No more. I can't apologise for that. Part of me wants to get you home then chain you in the bedroom, and no, you filthy minded toad, not like that. If you don't want the platoon lusting after me, then don't show them pictures of me.

It's sunny, here, for once. I wonder if you've seen this sun already. It'll be dark there now or very nearly. I like it when it's sunny. It makes you seem closer, somehow. The kids are nicer when it's sunny. They get to work off energy in the playground, rather than milling in the canteen and creating minor acts of havoc. Of course, it also means they won't have done their homework. Most of them tend to do it during lunch. One advantage of being in a small town where it nearly always rains, is that they do not have the excuse of having no time to do their work.

It's strange only cooking for one. I'm not sure about measurements, so I'm making what I always do. The freezer is full, so you'd best be hungry when you get home. It's helpful when Jake and Ness come round because neither of them can cook at all, so the only time they eat properly is when they're here with me. I have more or less adopted them on Sundays, and we always have a proper dinner - you'd call them my charity cases if you were here now. I can hear your voice. I still wake up in the mornings and look at your pillow. I half expect you to still be there, snoring away if you're lying on your back. I'm lying on my side of the bed - and I miss my hot water bottle. Whenever I trip I can hear that great big booming laugh of yours and hear you tease me, asking for a postcard when I go on my next trip. I miss that laugh of yours, so much.

I actually asked you to buy me some Pepto this morning - I should have automatically known you weren't there, it's so quiet. I never thought I'd hate the silence so much. I know I always say you're too loud, but I miss it. Miss you.

Jake and Ness are fast becoming unbearable with this wedding business. Ness wants me to be maid of honour. And (drum roll) Jake wants you as his best man. Get speech-writing. I've no doubt you'll get some absolutely appalling jokes from your little gang out there and I've no doubt you'll get up at a wedding, and read them out in front of Charlie and Renee, not to forget Billy. I'd tell you to try and make at least one of them partially acceptable in polite society, but that would be like asking a bat to tell me what colour my scarf is. Ness is insisting that I wear a damn dress, which I will probably ruin walking down the aisle. Seeing as the best man has to escort the maid of honour, I hope you'll be holding me upright at least a little. I know I managed with a dress at our wedding, but I was so busy gawping at you, I wasn't thinking about my feet.

They want to go to Ireland for their honeymoon, would you believe? Ireland. I had our honeymoon snaps out the other day. Austria. Can you believe it's been two years? Two years, and we're only twenty-three. Mind you, I discovered yesterday that I have become bitter and cynical where the students are concerned, and actually said "when I was your age" the other day. I am now panicking that I am getting aged and boring. But anyway, Jake and Ness's wedding! My baby sister is going up the aisle. Renee can't believe we both let her down so badly. Charlie doesn't say much, but I think he's secretly relived it's Jake she's running off with. At least it's nobody unpleasant or anything like that, and I know Jake will treat her right.

I went shopping yesterday - Ness made me go. Brought me a new shirt, and a skirt which may never get worn. You need to hurry up and come home. I can't hold out against her on my own. I'm thinking of actually getting round to repainting the living room during spring break. What colour should we paint it? I'm tried of the white look, it's too pale and cold. I was thinking sort of orange and yellow, sun colours, you know, to make it at least look warm. Plus it would match the red sofa. And the damn bedroom needs the ceiling repapering. A whole strip fell on top of me last night. I screamed my head off. I thought I was being attacked by a spirit or something. The entire bedroom is now covered in flakes of paint and plaster and my hair is still full of it, no matter how many times I wash it. The kids think I have an exceptionally bad dandruff problem. I am now sleeping in the spare room and am thinking about having a yard sale to clear the third bedroom.

I know I promised I wouldn't complain. But I miss you, baby. I miss you so much it hurts. I want you to come home. I need you to come home. It's when it gets dark that I miss you most. Some nights I can't sleep. I want you home baby, I want you home so you can tell me there are no monsters under the bed. I miss you.

_With all my love and a million kisses,  
__Bella  
__xxx_

P.S: The faculty at the school say be safe, and that they love you. Dr. Gerandy says I'm a pain in the neck when you aren't around to stop me falling over things and cluttering up his surgery and Lily from the shop says hello and much love. It's a good job I'm not the jealous type. Charlie and Renee say they miss you very much, because I hassle them less when you're home. Charlie wants you to come home so I can harass someone else about eating properly. Tell Edward and Jasper that half the girls in this town have seen the picture of you three in uniform in the paper, and are now passionately in love. I'm sure I was meant to mention something else, but I can't remember right now. God, I miss you.

_Jan 27th 10_

_It's agony at night. Pure agony. I keep rolling over expecting to bump into him. Keep thinking he'll be stealing the covers any minute. Waking me up by snoring, so I get to push him out of bed and wake him up. I'm sleeping in his boxers and t-shirts. Christ, but I miss him. What is it about this tour? I always miss him when he goes away, but this time it's ten times worse. Same tour as all the others. But oh, but it's painful. It feels like someone has driven a speeding bus right through my chest, but somehow I'm still alive. How can you keep breathing? When the one you love is fighting abroad, and you don't know if he'll come back alive and in one piece, how do you carry on each day?_


	3. 30 01 10

_30th January 2010_

_Bella-Boo,_

I miss you too, sweetheart, and don't apologise for how you feel. I promised I wouldn't complain either, but here I am, I guess.

Bastion is the British base, you're right, but we're staying here temporarily. Not overly sure why and for how long, but I'll let you know if my address changes at any point. It's not like we get told all the details.

I married you darling - I'd hope I know your routine by now. Two years, and sometimes it feels like two minutes. I'm going to miss our anniversary, our third year mark. See, I even remembered. I consider that an achievement. Austria sometimes seems like it was just yesterday - and sometimes it seems an eternity ago. A different life. Twenty three, and I've done four years in the army. Four years. How did we make it through four years of barely being together, between the army for me, college for you, your job, that's what I get asked a lot out here. I tell them it's because I love you and you loved me enough to make so many sacrifices. Oh, God, Bella, I love you.

What do you mean, you're still feeling sick? It can't have been something you ate. That would have settled with Pepto and besides, as you were sick before I left, I would have eaten it too, and I'm definitely OK. Go see the doctor. It's near enough the weekend. Honestly, Bella, I'm not there, and everything falls apart.

What do you mean, the paper's come off the ceiling? Get Jake to do something useful. Paint the living room orange, or something. I don't know. I'm bad with paint colours. I'd put it up if you brought it, but please, don't ask me to choose it. I don't know anything about wallpaper and paint, I just know how to get it on the walls. The car? Oh, crap. I had hoped it'd survive until I got home, but evidently not. I'd say we've got enough funds to replace the car and decorate the living room. Check the old bank account. If the car is surviving for now, the re-do the living room first. I know you - you'll do it on fifty bucks and it'll still look like something out of a designer home magazine. Same with the bedroom.

Yes, honestly truly, Carlisle Cullen. I'm guessing Esme will be there soon, huh? Cook something yummy, moving house always knocks me for six. Maybe it's because I have to do most of the lifting, because you're so tiny. It wasn't the food that was our problem, it was the pots and pans. You packed them all in a massive cardboard box, and then it went to the bottom of the heap, because it was first off the truck. The day we moved back to Forks - and wasn't that weird, when we promised ourselves no more little towns. And we wind up back there again.

The memories come flooding back, writing about Forks. I met you while we were in kindergarten, and you spilt your milk down my front, so you didn't have to drink it because you didn't like it. You came up to me in the sandpit after, and you said you were sorry, and you did it because you hated milk. I laughed at you, put sand in your hair and made a deal. I drank your milk for you every day after that, and you ate those vile crackers for me. We played together every day then, and we'd fight all the time, and the teachers tried to separate us, right through elementary school. But you always found your way into my class, or I'd sneak into yours, and finally they gave up. I reckon they warned junior high and junior high warned high school, because we were always allowed to sit together after that. In every class, every field trip. They drew the line at that one summer camp, and you refused to go back, and so did I, by default. And the day we started junior high, and you held my hand, because you were frightened and shy. Huge eyes looked up at me, and you asked me to stay with you. I did. All day. Jasper and Edward had just moved to town. The pretty twins, and I beat up Edward because he tripped you in the canteen, and you got hurt when you fell. He didn't mean it, I know, but I beat him up anyway. I got in so much trouble, and you begged the principal to let me off. And after that, we were all friends. You made me say sorry to Edward. And our first day of high school. That was the day I kissed you for the first time. I promise I heard every male heart break in high school that day. I'd just told you I wanted to join the army after graduation. You were going to cry, I could see it, so I just grabbed you and kissed you. I didn't expect the explosions in my head. I thought it'd be weird, like kissing a sister. But it was so far from weird. It was that kiss, the one you hear people talk about, but you think won't ever happen to you. Jesus, Bella. Jesus. Part of me desperately wants you here, right now, to kiss you and hold you and just be with you. The other, much smaller part of me, wants you right there in Forks, and well away from Iraq.

Ness took you shopping? Oh, man, how did I miss that?

Jasper and Edward suggested I do this thing. They thought it might help me. They think I should write down every single little thing I love about you, and it'd make you seem closer. What do you think? I'll do it in my next letter, if you like the idea. You could do it for me. They also have this wacky idea that you're pregnant - and the more they point it out, the more I think they might be right. Think about it babe, and take a test.

God, a baby, could you imagine? Will you at least take the test?

The helicopters are landing. We're moving out babe, as of right now, to a different area for a few days. Write to me at this address, and I'll get it when we get back. If we get a permanent address change, I'll let you know. But I have to wrap this up, and I'm sorry it's so short. I love you, love you forever, and whoever else happens to come along.

_Love you,_

_Emmett_

_xxxxxxx_

P.S: Moving to Camp Anaconda, permanent, don't write again to Bastion address. Contact the Head Office over there, they'll give you full address. -E

_30.01.10_

_Writing a diary in the back of a five-seater tuna can whose blades sound like they're having trouble wheezing isn't ideal, but my heads such a mess. What if she is pregnant? What if she's pregnant, and this tour is the tour I don't come back from? Would she forget me easily? Would she forgive me? I love her more than anything, and now I might have two lives to be fighting for. If I hadn't already decided that this tour was my last, I'd have decided now. Oh, god, Bella, I love you, so much. _


	4. 02 02 10

**_2nd February 2010_**

Emmett -

Don't be so flipping silly.

Well, that was how I planned to start this letter. Until I took the damn test. Tell Edward and Jasper that the prophetic thing is creepy. You got me bloody pregnant. Pregnant, you fool, I'm pregnant. Jesus bloody Christ.

I don't know if I want to talk to you now.

God, I'm all over the place. I have to tell Jake, Ness, Charlie and Renee. Phil. Oh, God, I have to tell Renee. Start thinking about baby names, pronto. And you damn well better survive, baby, because there is no way on this earth that I will let you abandon me on the most painful day of my life. I have to break your hand and scream insults at you, as tradition decrees. Renee is going to kill you. I know we wanted kids - but you should _be _here, Emmett! You should be here, now, watching my bump grow and you should be teasing me about getting round. Why, now? Don't get me wrong - I want this baby, your baby, more than anything else - but there could have been a better time. Don't you die, Emmett, don't you dare. Please don't make me raise this child on my own, because I can't do it without you. Please come home safely - we need you. We, not I. We - me and your baby - need you now. There'll be three of us. Look's like one of the bedrooms will have to become a nursery - and I'm not starting it until you get home! You have to put the light bulbs in, reaching over my head, pretending I'm not there, teasing me about being small.

The car is surviving, for now, but it makes a god-awful chocking noise when you start it. Definitely going to have to be upgraded. One that'll take a car-seat. Front or rear facing? I know that you can't put a baby in a front-facing car-seat on the front passenger seat, because if you have a crash, and the air bag deploys, it can hurt the baby. So, if baby is riding shotgun, baby needs rear-facing seat. Actually, that'd be good. Then, whilst one of us drove, baby could be in rear-facing seat, and whoever was in the back could watch baby. And, if it was just one of us, we could see the baby from the front seat easily enough. We need to name baby.

Jake picked up some cheap paint at the store. Gorgeous orange colour, so I started painting today.

I've been helping Esme move in. Alice and Rose are adorable, like you would not believe. Alice is very dark, whilst Rose is fair. Both of them have these wonderful eyes, and such a strange colour! Almost gold, like cats, but adorable on them. Alice is clearly going to be both clever and beautiful, whilst Rose is already such a fantastic little beauty, she's bound to be unbelievable when she's older. If Carlisle has a recent picture, get him to show you, and as soon as possible, as they're wonderful girls. Did you know Edward and Jasper are god-parents? Apparently their father used to work with Carlisle before he died, and Esme and their mother were very good friends. Those girls are going to be spoilt rotten when they get older, except I think they're sweet enough to not have it affect them. I helped Esme paint their living room - my old jeans are covered in white splotches, blue splotches and pink, from Alice's room. Quite scary - it truly is a little girls room. My eyes were burning when I came back home. Esme is coming over tomorrow, bringing the girls, and we're going to the park by the school, to let the girls go on the swings and so on.

Esme gives you, Edward and Jasper her love. Also, she reminds you always to wear clean underpants, just in case. In case what, I don't know. I don't think it'll end up mattering, after all.

It's cold here, as usual. It snowed last night, and there have been several snow fights. Snowmen everywhere. The school yard now looks like it is haunted by fat people. It's a nightmare getting to class, although they haven't called a snow day yet, and I doubt they will. There's not enough yet - we have to be chest high in it before they'll admit we need time off. I haven't told anyone yet, although I called Esme, babbling like an idiot when I got the result. She's been great, you wouldn't believe. I didn't even know which way was up. I don't know how to tell people. I think I might ring Renee, sort of yell it at her, and then put the phone down. And hide for the next century.

The sun's just come out. Oh, Lord, it's so beautiful. Sunshine, and it makes me wonder if you're looking at the sun on the sand, and I wonder if it's the same. I don't understand this war, this war that's taken you away from me. It's all the same sky, the same sun, the same wind. It's all the same earth. Why are you still there? You should be home!

I have to go, baby. I'm going to start telling people. Come home safe, I beg you.

_All my love, all baby's love,  
__Bella  
__xxxxxxx_

_Feb 3__rd__ 2010_

_I need him to come home. Every time there's a knock at the door, I think they've come to tell me that he won't be coming home this time. That I'll never see him again, never hear that laugh, never feel his arms around me. Never wake up again to see his head on the pillow beside me, hear his breathing. Never yell at him for leaving the toilet seat up, never yell at him for traipsing mud through the kitchen when he's been hiking or whatever. Never get to ask him to change a light bulb. Never ask his opinion on some movie which he'll hate, but he'll watch it with me anyway. Never again to hear him tease me about something. Never again to have him sweep me off my feet and never again to make sweet and gentle love with him. I think someone tore my heart out. I'm terrified he'll die out there, that he'll die alone. I miss all the little tiny things. Seeing his battered running shoes kicked off carelessly in the porch. His pillow smells like him. _

_I talk to the tiny life inside me now. I tell the baby all about my brave, handsome, laughing soldier**-**hero. Oh, God, I need him back. _


	5. 05 02 10

_February 5th__ 2010_

_Bella_

Holy shit. No. My God. Bella! Damnit, we're going to be parents! Edward and Jasper have laughed, and they say they are so pleased for us both. My head's spinning. I bet you had a mixed-up, head-bending reaction too. If I'd been there - I should have been there. Can you forgive me for not being there? Can you forgive me for being away again? I swear to you now, that I am coming back to you. You always refused to hear it. Always refused to let me say that, because you said it was something I couldn't promise. But I promise you, I swear to you, on everything I love in this world, that I am going to come home alive. I am coming back to you, Bella, and I am coming back to our child. I promise you.

I'm waiting with dread for some sort of terrible letter from Renee. Something ranting and yet happy at the same time, like when you finally 'fessed that we were getting married at twenty-one. Charlie will be pleased, though, I know it. He'll look at me funny for a couple of weeks, because he'll know his baby girl is defiantly doing it, but then he'll be OK again. Let me know what Jake says, won't you? Edward and Jasper have already asked about christenings and so on, and I think they're angling to be god-parents. Edward has pointed out twice that I owe him for the black eye I gave him in the cafeteria when we were in junior high. Three -or maybe four, or perhaps five. Shit, what if it's triplets? We'll defiantly need a bigger car. Bella, how long till we know for certain? When's the first scan? If it's twins or triplets, it will officially be your fault. Send me photographs, those little print-outs you get, as soon as you get them. Promise me, Bella. You promise you'll send the print-outs. It's what, 12 weeks?

Carlisle says it's 12 weeks when you have your first scan. He also says that you can have one earlier, but only if they think you've got your dates wrong, it's more than one, if you have serious health issues - which you don't - or if there is a higher risk of birth defects, which he says there aren't. It's great having him here, because he can sort of talk me through everything that'll happen to you, so I can sort of be there in spirit if not in actual person. I'm desperate to understand. On the plus side, I'll miss the hormones! No, not even that's a plus. I should be there for that too. Letting you cry, laugh or thump me, whichever occasion calls for. Oh, Bella, a baby, maybe babies! Tell me every single tiny detail that happens at your pre-natal classes. Apparently they will be all exercises and learning to breathe. I want to know everything. Everything. All the details, all the twinges, and I want to know the second he/she/they kick for the first time. Names, we need names. Shall I do a whip round, ask the guys here. We can compare lists. And then, when I get home, I can bring the list with me, and we can argue about baby names. Not about paint colour, not about who's taking all the covers, but we can argue about baby names. We better make it good, we don't want baby to blame us for eternity for picking some god-awful name. first thing - we are not calling him Emmett, and I'd rather our daughter didn't take your name. It'd end up too confusing. Shall we find out the sex? Do we want to find out the sex? It'd cut our choices in half, but it'd also detract from the excitement on the day. I'd like it to be a surprise - what about you? I know you hate surprises darling, but think about how wonderful this surprise would be.

There's so much to talk about! What colour shall we paint the nursery? I know you don't want to start until I'm home, but we should decide on paint colour, or wallpaper, so if a sale pops up before I get back, you can buy it. Don't pass up on that, I forbid you. Let's not paint it blue or pink - lets paint it something sunny. Or we could get some plain wallpaper and get those sheets of the characters from the fairy-tales, and cut them out and stick them up. What do you think? I know it'll look beautiful. If Renee still has that glorious old crib in her basement, see if she'll give it to you, because it was lovely, and you can get that in there at least. Oh, and there's that tree in the back-yard, the big oak, we could put up a swing, when the baby's older. Oh, Lord, plans to be made. Honey, I'm so excited.

There's so much I want to say to you, and I've got no way to say it. So much I need to tell you. So much I have to say about the way I feel, and I can't even find the words. I don't get this war either, baby, and I'm fighting in it. All I want is to be with you. All I want is to see you again. I want to fight over the remote, and have arguments, and make up after the arguments, and watch you worry over deadlines. I want to watch out the window when you're a little late home, and I want to hear you tell me off when I've been out late. I want to hear you tell me to put my socks in the laundry. I want to see you hit Edward and Jasper with wooden spoons when they sneak into our kitchen and steal cake batter whilst you bake. I want to smell your cupcakes cooking. I want to smell _you_, that floral and slightly spicy scent that's so you. Bella, I want you in my arms.

_**EMMETT'S LETTER ENDS HERE.**_


	6. Reveal

_**A/N: I wasn't going to put one of these in here. Oh well, no help for it. I said at the start it'd be all letters and diaries between Bella and Emmett. No longer true. Instead - whilst it will remain epistolary (which means it's all letter's, diaries, newspaper articles etc etc) other people are going to help tell this story, which means we have the advantage of actual dialogue and so on. If you've ever read Dracula by Bram Stoker (if you haven't, read it immediately, it's brilliant - watching the film doesn't count) you'll know what I mean.**_

_**Anyway, lets be getting on, not least because I have people after my blood what with Teaching and this story.**_

_Bella's Diary - February 6__th__ 2010_

I was baking- just baking, like a normal day. I was getting the cookies out the oven when Esme dropped by. Already she's in the habit of walking right in the front door. I remember when Emmett used to pull a prank on me - park a little down the road, sneak up to the back door and throw it open with a crash. It used to scare the hell out of me.

Oh, Emmett, where are you?

"Hey, Bella, my darling."

"Auntie Bella!" Alice gurgles, wriggling to get down out of Esme's arms.

"_Auntie _Bella?" I ask, confused.

"She wanted to call you that. I can stop her -"

"No, it's sweet." I scoop her up and put her onto a counter where she screams happily and kicks her little legs.

"Me up too," Rose demands, reaching up. She promptly joins her sister on the counter, and stops her trying to climb into the microwave. She pats my tummy. "Bump?"

"I told her you were having a little baby, and she only really remembers me with a big bump, just before Alice was born."

"Not yet, Rosy-Posy. Soon."

"Boy," Alice says, around her thumb. "Auntie Bella have a boy."

"Too many girls around, huh?"

"Way too -"

There's a quiet but official sounding knock on the door. One single ice-cold bolt of fear goes through me. Esme glances out of the window as I leave the kitchen.

_Esme's Diary - February 6__th__, 2010_

I glanced up, still laughing a little, and my blood ran cold. Two men in uniform were waiting at the door. One younger, the other older. Bella went to answer it.

"Alice, Rosy, get down." They obey immediately, hearing the tension in my tone. Rose grips her sister's hand.

"Is Daddy back?"

"It's not Daddy, no, sweetie." Rose goes out into the hall.

"Auntie Bella, who are they?"

"Come in, gentlemen."

"Mrs. McCarty?"

"If we could hurry, please." I could see it in her eyes. She knew what they were there for. Alice clung closer to me, and I picked her up.

"I am Captain James Hardy - this is Corporal Laurent Jackson. I'm afraid we have bad news."

"Is he dead?" Her voice is very, very quiet. Her hand with the rings on it goes to her belly, and the Captain notices her movement. A spasm of pain crosses his face. Bella is twenty-three - is he going to tell her she is a widow, with a child to raise? "Captain, is he dead?" Her voice is hoarse with fear. Alice starts grizzling quietly. She can sense something's wrong. "Anything you say to me, you can say in front of Esme. Her husband is in the army too."

"He isn't dead, no, but he is badly hurt. There was a roadside bomb in the Helmand Province, near Camp Bastion. They're going to fly him to England."

"Why England?" I ask. Bella is well past speaking. Every now and then a funny little keening sound breaks out. Rose climbs into her lap.

"He needs to go to Headley Court. Ma'am, if we could speak to you privately." I follow them into the kitchen. Bella doesn't budge. Alice is full on crying now. Rose stays with Bella, curled up in her arms. "Sergeant McCarty has lost both legs and an arm in the blast."

"Oh my God."

"It's also likely that once at hospital in England, they may have to amputate the other arm. He may never walk again, and he also may never see again. They're taking him to England because Headley Court is one of the best rehabilitation centres in the world. If anyone can help him, they can." He exchanges a glance with the silent Corporal by his side, who seems to sense that his Captain is struggling.

"Are you, by any chance, Esme Cullen?"

"My husband?"

"No, no, Ma'am, Carlisle Cullen is fine. He was nowhere near the blast. However, we do have some news regarding your wards, Edward Masen and Jasper Whitlock. They're flying home. They've been diagnosed with Combat stress reaction - you might have heard it called shell-shock - and the company has made the decision that they will not complete their final term in Iraq. I don't like to think how much of what happened to McCarty they saw. They'll find their home with you?"

"Of course they will. I'll make all the arrangements for Bella to fly to England," I say, vaguely. I've read about shell-shock - when soldiers see such terrible things that they almost go insane with the pain of it, when they see indescribable things happen to friends, brothers, comrades. When they're so tired of fighting and killing, they can't do it any more, because their bodies shut down on them. And at the same time, there's no way to describe it. There's no way to describe how much a soldier changes with shell-shock, as it's different for everyone. My poor boys. I'm listed as their next of kin, but they need me now. I realise that if they come to me, they'll have to share a room. But I need to worry about Bella now.

I show them out, and then Bella's phone rings. She doesn't move to answer it, so I do it for her. Alice is calmer, but still sobbing. Bella's scaring her. Rose is stroking Bella's face, trying to get a reaction, I think.

"Esme!" I nearly collapse when I hear Carlisle's voice.

"Oh, my God, you're alright!"

"Never mind me, darling, I've just seen Edward and Jasper on to their flight home. Civilian airline, landing in Seattle. I don't have much time. Listen to me, sweetheart. Bella must go to England, Emmett's been asking for her. Edward and Jasper are in a bad way, and you'll have to be very patient with them. Don't ask them any questions. Did they tell you how bad Emmett was?"

"Yes, they told me. I'll tell Bella. I think she's in shock."

"Is that Alice I can hear crying?"

"Yes - Bella's scaring her a bit, I think. She can sense there's something wrong. I'll pick the boys up from the airport. How much do I tell Bella?"

"At this point, just that he's injured, but alive - and as far as I can see, he'll stay alive. Tell her when she's calmed down a bit. I told the boys you would meet them. Take Bella, it'll help convince her he's OK, if his boys are. You know what she's like. I have to go. It's mania here. I love you."

"I love you," I whisper, and the line goes dead.

_Esme's Diary - February 7__th__ 2010_

Neither of them had shaved. They came through arrivals, and Jasper was noticeably different. He was coiled tight as a spring, eyes darting everywhere, never still, not even whilst we waited for the bags on the carousel.

When they came through arrivals, Jasper came to me, but Edward went straight to Bella. She grabbed him by the arms.

"Are you alright?" she demanded, her voice hoarse. He nodded but didn't speak. He let her hug him, and then hovered beside her - like he had no other mission in life than to protect her and keep her safe. Jasper prowled around the carousel, seizing both bags the instant he saw them and then marching ahead, head up, eyes always moving. He hadn't spoken. He didn't even seem to register we were there. Edward had the common sense to wait for Bella to go to bed - she was flying to England the next day - before he spoke to me.

"Jasper cannot be questioned about Iraq in any way. He'll flip."

"Edward, it's good to have you home."

"It's good to be home." He take s a deep breath. "They sent me home because I couldn't even look at a gun without crying. I couldn't have picked it up to save my life. I cowered in terror whenever I heard one go off, or if I saw it in someone's hands." He glances up to the ceiling, and lowers his voice. "I will stay with you - Jasper will be better off here. He can't hear loud nose - he'd be unable to cope with crying."

"Bella asked me to offer you both this house whilst she is in England with Emmett. It'll be quieter. We can disconnect the telephone."

"I assume you haven't told Bella about Emmett?"

"No, I -"

"Tell her - Esme, tell her, as soon as you can. Before she gets on the plane. She needs time to react that isn't in front of him. I'd go with her, but I don't think I can handle seeing the soldiers. She has to know before she sees him. Is everything OK here? My god-daughters? If she has the reaction in front of him, it'll upset them both. Jasper will be fine. Emmett will be OK, she needs to know that, he's a fighter, Esme -"

"Edward," I interrupt gently. His head snaps up. He looks confused. "We'll go on home now. Let Jasper know. You need some sleep."

"I can't sleep," he whispers. "I haven't slept since the blast. Can't sleep. See the bits of Emmett. See it all again and again when I close my eyes. He didn't run fast enough."

I take her aside in departures the next day. She's very pale, but resolute. I don't think she slept much. She woke up at one point, and tried to get downstairs to get water - before she realised Jasper was asleep outside her door. She didn't wake him, and just slipped back into bed, leaving the door open so he could see she was OK if he woke up at any point. Jasper is now standing behind us, eyes sweeping the area again and again.

"Bella, before you see Emmett, you need to know how badly hurt he was." I take a deep breath. How do you put this into words? How do you tell somebody that the man they love has lost both legs, and arm, possibly the other arm too, and maybe his sight? How do I say that? "The bomb has changed him - he mightn't see again, honey, and there's more. He lost both legs and an arm. He's going to look very different."

"What?" She seems dazed, upset. She doesn't look like she understands. She looks afraid. "He's got no legs? And he's lost an arm? Maybe his sight?"

"I'm so sorry Bella -" but she cuts me off.

"No, Esme. Don't say that. He's still my Emmett. No matter what, he's still my Emmett, my brave and handsome hero. My angel, and I don't care if I have to take care of him. I love him - and if all that was left of him was his smile, and his eyes, I'd still love him. He's always going to be my hero."

_Bella's diary, 8th February 2010_

Emmett, I'm coming. Hold on, Emmett, I'm coming…


	7. I Promise You

Bella's Diary, 10th February 2010,

Everybody says that when you receive bad news, the world seems to stop turning. It didn't grind to a smashing halt, stop spinning on it's axis, as I imagined it should have done when they told me Emmett was hurt. No, the world didn't bother stopping. But I stopped. I stopped hearing, stopped seeing, stopped acknowledging that people around me carried on. All I could think was his name. He was alive. I was so relieved. I didn't care how bad it was - all I could think of was that he was alright, and he would stay that way.

When Esme took me aside at the airport the next morning, and told me how bad it was, I took that on board. I meant every word. All I could do was be relieved he was OK. He was missing limbs, and maybe his sight. But I knew my Emmett, and I knew he'd be OK. He was my soldier-hero. First and foremost, he was a fighter. I stroked my tummy on the flight, and the man next to me asked if I was expecting. I told him I was, and he congratulated me, and asked where I was going. I told him about my husband. Very calmly, he told me that men like Emmett deserved knighthoods, and even then that wouldn't be enough. He added that he was sorry, and then that he hoped he would be alright.

"He'll be OK. He's a fighter." And he is, he is my fighter.

I leapt at the first nurse I saw at the hospital. It didn't matter that I felt like hell, I hadn't slept in God knows how long, I was jet-lagged, that I didn't have a clue where I was. I wanted to see my husband.

"Please, my name is Bella, Bella McCarty - I'm looking for my husband, they said he would be here, before they moved him to Headley Court, can I see him, please, I need to see him." God, I sounded drunk that day.

"Slow down, Miss, please,"

"Sorry, I'm so tired. I need to find Emmett McCarty, he's an American soldier, come in from Iraq -"

"You aren't Bella-Boo, are you?"

"Oh, Christ, is that what he's been calling me? I'll kill him, I hate that name," I say, smiling for the first time in days. She smiles back.

"Come on, we'll take you to him." She takes a deep breath.

"I know about his legs and his arm, his sight. They said he might lose his one remaining arm -"

"No, that's better than we expected it to be. We managed to save that arm. We had to pin his radius, and his shoulder, but he'll be fine. He's making terrible jokes."

"Oh, he'll be fine then, I have no need to be here," and I mime going home. She laughs.

"You're taking this remarkably well."

"I'm sure reaction will set in later on. It doesn't seem quite real, somehow."

So she showed me in. A little side room, containing a bed, a little cabinet, a pull-table type thing that went over the end of the bed, an IV line and a chair. Light snores came from the bed, and so I crept to the window. There was a garden beneath me, and the sun shone. It smelt like antiseptic - and like Emmett's aftershave. Of course it did, the vain fool. I sat down, and waited.

Emmett's diary, 10th February 2010

I remember nothing of the blast itself. I remember getting up that morning, and then going out with Jasper and Edward. Just a routine patrol. And then everything was black, and I was floating. No lights, no voices, none of all that. Just the darkness. And then, when I was getting cold, Bella's voice. A memory, of the day she pushed me down a ditch, and ran away laughing. We were fourteen. I ran after her, picked her up, and carried her home to Charlie, laughing every step of the way, whilst she kicked and screamed.

Then Carlisle was talking to me, and someone was screaming, terrible screams, somewhere near me. And then I realised I was the one screaming, and Carlisle was shouting, not at me, but at people who I couldn't see. Then I realised I couldn't see anything at all. God, I hurt everywhere. A hand was put in mine, and I squeezed as hard as I could. Anything to feel real. And then Carlisle's voice, cutting through the chaos, calling for silence. Everything around me stops, and silence descends. He asks me to do that again, and I do, and I say that it burns like fire.

I didn't know what had happened until the day I got to England. And I thought, at least I am still alive.

I woke up with a jolt. I was back in Iraq, under the blazing sun, in my desert fatigues. But I was in a hospital room, that smelt of disinfectant and - Bella? I can't see, why can't I see? I can smell her, I know she's here. But I can't see her.

She woke up when the nurse came in to take yet more blood, more blood pressure, and my temperature yet again.

"What, where?" She muttered groggily, and I imagined her blinking sleep out of her eyes. "Oh my God, who hit me with a hammer whilst I was sleeping?"

"Did I wake you?" The nurse asked, jabbing a needle into me.

"Ow."

"Emmett!" Bella shrieked, and threw herself at me, just as the nurse withdrew her needle. I caught her, just about, and stopped us both going off the bed and onto the floor. "Emmett, Emmett, Emmett…"

"Mrs McCarty, please, Emmett is in recovery!"

"Like hell," Bella murmurs, though kisses and tears. "You're alive," she breathes, snuggling into my side. I anchor my arm around her. The nurse finishes up as quietly as possible and leaves.

"Take more than that to kill me, gorgeous."

"You can't see me, can you?" she guesses.

"No, I can't," I say. "But I can feel you, and I can smell you." She is silent. "I'm going to get better, Bella."

"You'd better, because you'll be changing nappies too, mister."

"Guys with one arm get a pass -"

"Like hell you do. Learn, because you know how I get."

"Bella, do you mind that you've got about half of me back from Iraq?"

"I'd rather have you alive, than coming back to me whole in a coffin. We can get through this. We can get past this. You can get through this, because you're the strongest person I know."

"I can't be the man you knew." She wriggles upright, and I just know she's glaring at me.

"You will always be the man I married," she says, fiercely, and I can hear that now, now she's crying. "You will always be the man I love. I don't care how much of you is left! I don't care! I still see the man I married, the man I fell in love with - the man who is going to be the father of my child! Well great, you've got no legs. I am going to drag you through this, if I have to carry you by your hair! Emmett, if all that was left of you was your smile, and your laugh, I would still love you."

I found her with my hand, and stroked her face, feeling her tears on my palm.

"You don't cry. No tears now. You'll upset the baby."

"I bet you haven't cried."

"I don't think so," I say, and it's true. I don't remember crying. Hell, I just felt so lucky I was alive at all. That I was alive, and I was going back to Bella, as I'd promised I would. "You remember I promised I would come back alive?"

"Yes, and you kept it, didn't you?"

"Did you ever doubt me?"

"Part of me was always braced for the knock on the door. You always are, it goes with the territory of being an army wife. You're always waiting for something - be it a letter, a call, a knock on the door. Waiting for them to come home. But I believed you more this time than any other time."

"Then I am going to make you a second promise. I swear to you now, that I am going to walk again. And I will have done this by the time our baby's born."

So I still can't see, but hey. You don't have to see things to look at them.


	8. Dear Boys

_February 11th, 2010_

_Dear boys,_

Emmett is fine, and as irritating as ever. I may just come home now. They've managed to save his other arm, so I'm going to teach him how you change a nappy one handed. They are also working on his sight. Most of it just seems to be swelling, and they think there may be a little shrapnel behind one of his eyelids. Typical Emmett, if he must get hurt, it has to be in an awkward place. Anyway, the swelling is going down, and I think - but I'm not sure - that one eye is almost open. I got the shock of my life when I first saw him. He still looks huge.

Anyway, to cut to the chase, we're moving here - to England - full time, when all this is over. I don't think I could go back to America now. Essentially, we're inviting both of you to come over, and live with us. Emmett would love to have you here, and if it is going to come to honesty, I don't suppose I'd mind you both hanging about. Carlisle is finishing up in the army after this tour. I had a letter from him yesterday, and he and Esme want me to see if I can find them a house. Well, where? I'm in Birmingham, at Selly Oak hospital. We're going to Headley Court - well, tomorrow. I've stolen Emmett's bed-tray thingy (such shocking language for an English teacher!) and am writing to you two. He is telling me things to be included. Anyway, we're going to Headley tomorrow, and that's Surrey - not sure where that is, but it's on the other side of London, I think. London, they say. Find us somewhere nice, not in the centre, not Greater London, but something nice with good enough travel links to London. Preferably two houses together. As a result, I have had several conversations with estate agents, and they think they've found two little houses in a gated complex - three bedrooms, and a little bungalow, which I might snatch up for you two, if you want it. I've told him to hang on to it, and he says he will.

Well, anyway, I just really wanted to reassure you that Emmett is fine. Well, as fine as being minus limbs can be. But he's very cheerful. He'll have counselling anyway at Headley Court, and not even Emmett will argue with Sister McKinley! I really wish you two could come and visit. I actually miss you both, and Emmett - well, I think it would help all three of you to see each other again. I don't think Emmett actually believes you're still alive and reasonably well. I have told him about the shell-shock, and he wants to see you both. I promise you, you'll barely notice. He doesn't give you time to dwell on it. Just for one visit, to Headley Court, and to see that little bungalow. Please? He keeps on saying your names in his sleep, every night. He needs to see you - and you need to see him. Please boys, for me if for nobody else.

Anyway, I'm packing Emmett's bag. Esme's sent me a package of clothes for him, which will be waiting at Headley Court. I've had some trouble with his boots, namely - they will not go in! I'm going to borrow a carrier off a nurse, and carry them. Emmett wants me to say to you both that he is OK, and doesn't like hospital food. Typical Emmett.

We miss you both terribly. I understand that what I am asking is a big deal. I understand that it will be hard. But I also understand that the only thing to fear is fear itself.

With all my love, and all Emmett's man-love (his words, not mine),

_Bella and Emmett._

_Xxx_

Jasper's Diary, February 13th

Bella's letter is almost like a breath of fresh air. She treats us both like we're fine, when I know that we are not fine. Edward calls out sometimes in the night, and he tells me that I can wake up screaming. Neither of us talk about our dreams. We already know that it's the same dream. Of Emmett, of sand and blood, of a helicopter taking off amidst a cloud of sand and a storm of bullets from an enemy Edward and I could no longer see. An enemy Edward no longer cared about fighting, no longer wanted to fight. He put his gun down that day, and left it in the sand. He wouldn't even look at weapons when we got back to base. Someone picked his gun up, gave it back to the authorities. It may have been me. All I remember is sand and blood, and when the dust settled, Emmett on the ground, bleeding. I remember sitting down beside him, trying to wake him up, and then saw that he had no legs anymore. His legs stopped at the knee. He looked very peaceful, and I screamed at him not to die. Emmett wasn't allowed to die. Emmett never fell.

They called him Cat back at the base. Nine lives. Emmett McCarty had walked away from eight roadside bombs. Blasts that should have killed him, he'd walked away from them. And now he'd gone down. It was wrong. The nine lives of Sergeant McCarty had run out. Edward and I waited for hours. When Carlisle told us he was going to make it, Edward cried. Hell, I cried. We were seen. Edward was obviously shell-shocked, but they sent me home too. I knew I wasn't coping, but I had thought I was hiding it well enough. All I wanted to do was kill. All I wanted to do was kill. Kill, kill, kill, anyone who might have hurt Emmett. They sent me home.

When I saw them both at the airport, Bella struck me as looking even frailer than before. She was cradling her belly, the baby we all knew was growing inside her. I still remember the dance of victory Emmett had done around the mess hall, before kissing Carlisle full on the mouth and screaming in his face that he, Emmett McCarty, was going to be a father. The catering staff pulled out all the stops, stuck a candle in a muffin and blew up some balloons, writing congratulations on them. He walked around with a permanent smile. Hell, all three of us did. All of us love Bella. She's our girl, the fourth in our little gang. My brother and I met them our first day at new school in a new town, met the both of them - big, strong Emmett, and tiny little Bella. We met them when Emmett gave Edward a black eye for tripping Bella accidentally. I was all set for a stand up fight for my twin's dignity, but Bella stepped in between us and told us both off. She then helped Edward up and stationed him firmly at their table, and apologised for Emmett's behaviour. And that was that. We were all friends after that, watched them fall in love, watched them get married, watched Bella wave the three of us off each tour, always smiling bravely, when all of us knew she would have sold her soul to Satan if it would've stopped us going. But because she knew Emmett relished the challenge, as did we, she let us all go, time and time again, never asking any of us to stay, to not go. To keep us happy, she made herself unhappy, and sometimes, in the letters she wrote to Emmett, you could tell she was very unhappy. Had she asked him to, I think there were times he would have cheerfully gone home to her. When she told him she was pregnant, when I saw, and Edward saw, that nobody throws up exclusively in the mornings and then feels fine and dandy the rest of the day - that was when he would have given up the army and deserted on the spot, had she asked him to. Except she never once asked.

All I could think, when we saw that bomb go off, all I could think was that I had broken the promise Edward and I made to Bella at the start of every tour. I hadn't kept him safe, like she asked. That he was dead, and I'd let her down. She made him promise to look after us, and that was how we all worked. The band of brothers. Big, dependable Emmett, skinny but fast Edward and me. The consummate soldier. The man who would fight for his country until the bitter end.

Edward makes our decision. Esme packs us both onto a plane to Heathrow. A suitcase each, someone to say goodbye, someone to meet us on the other end. Like children off on their first holiday. Edward wanted to see Bella, see Emmett. It took until take off for me to realise that I needed Bella. She's always been so calming, so easy somehow. I needed Bella to hold my hand again, like she used to when any of us got angry, or upset, or scared or whatever. She'd hold our hands in her tiny one and give us hugs. She was a mother to me and Edward in so many different ways.

We need her.


	9. Hold Onto Me

_**Jasper's Diary, February 14th**_

She was standing right there in the arrivals hall by baggage claim at Heathrow. She was carrying a coat and a plastic carrier, along with her usual big shoulder purse. And she was wearing the smile that both of us had grown to love. Even her eyes were sparkling. That smile, more than anything, would have convinced me that Emmett was getting better. That Bella knew what was good for all three of us, and she'd chip away until we did exactly as we were told.

She all but hurled herself into our arms. She helps us re-claim our bags, and then demands to know why we only brought coats. The plastic bag is opened, and out come hats, scarves and gloves. She insists that we wear them. No, we don't have a choice. Yes, we can take them off in the taxi. Yes, I have to wear the hat with the ear-flaps down. She herself pulls on a pretty knitted set - lots of bright colours, hat, mittens and scarf. Poor Emmett must really need our help. I bet she cleans his room, after the hospital staff have been round. She'd probably iron his sheets, if they gave her the chance. I bet she tries to wash his face, while humming. We took a taxi to the station, and then a train. A little girl played in the corridor, her dolly clutched tightly to chest. Her mother scooped her up at their stop, and the doll fell miserably to the floor. Bella picked it up, and gave it back, and the woman thanked her.

And I was back in Iraq. In the village, full of whispers and stares. A mother grabbed her child, dragged her back inside. And the child's little rag doll lay in a splash of sunlight by the side of the road, button eyes watching us. Accusing us. We were the reason these people lived in such fear. If we weren't here, there wouldn't be bombs every three seconds. And then there's a little hand in mine, and I jolt. No child held my hand that day.

It wasn't a child, it was Bella. She did not ask me if I was alright, where I'd been. She said nothing at all, just curled herself into my side and held my hand.

"Emmett opened his eyes yesterday. Well, one of them. He can see, isn't that lovely? He keeps patting my tummy, asking me when I'll be getting fat." I felt her shake her head. "He's already trying to tell the nurses what to do. They're going to give him stumpies soon, can you imagine? It's what they give men who've lost limbs before they start them on full scale prosthetics. He'll learn to get up and down on those, take a few steps, then they'll fit him with full false legs and he'll learn to walk on those. Emmett reckons he can walk in time for the baby. That gives him eight months, thereabouts. I've found a doctor over here. Emmett and I are going to make our move here permanent. I've written to the appropriate channels. If you two would like to stay here, I can help you."

She took us right through to Emmett, tucking her arm through mine. I think she knew I was on the verge of running right out of the hospital. She said hello to every nurse, all of whom seemed to know her. Even some visitors knew her, and she stopped for one woman, who was cradling a baby.

"Jane," she says, softly. "How is Alec progressing?"

"Oh, Bella! Oh yes, he's doing alright, thank you. He's in less pain, and they think they can start him on real legs soon. How is Emmett?"

"Oh, he's alright, you know. He opened an eye, did I say? His sight will be just fine, so they say. And these handsome gentlemen are Jasper and Edward, my boys, and Emmett's best friends. They're here to visit."

"Very handsome, you got that right."

"Jane! May I remind you that your brother is learning to walk and your baby has just sicked up down your skirt. But yes, you're right, they are very handsome. Brother's you know - think about that!" They laugh, and Jane goes off to clean her skirt, and Bella offers to take the baby. "You know where his room is, we'll be there." So by the time we got to Emmett, Bella had a baby, and a baby bag, and I was carrying her purse.

"Wow, Jazz, that matches your eyes," a voice said from the bed, following a very familiar and very comforting, booming laugh. I gape at him. He was wearing a massive grin, and his one eye was fixed firmly on all of us. Bella prodded me in the back.

"Jazz, sit down. Edward, you take the chair there."

"Where are you sitting?"

"Right here," she said, scrambling onto his bed. Within seconds they were all arranged - Bella snuggled up on his good side, baby cooing peacefully, and Emmett with his arm wrapped around Bella's waist. They looked so natural as a family. "There," she said, beaming. "I brought your boys. And didn't I say that everyone was OK?"

"Yeah, you said it. And you brought my boys alright. Love the hats."

"Emmett McCarty, behave yourself," Bella scolded. "Hats are important, it is cold outside. Now, I think I'll go and visit Alec. If Jane comes back, tell her I've gone there. You boys can do your manly catch up without me hanging around."

_**Bella's Diary, Valentine's Day**_

I never asked what was said in there. Emmett told me anyway, while Jasper held my hand, while Edward slept through the jet lag. They had talked about Iraq, the bomb, Emmett, the things they all saw, the things they didn't want to see, the things they wished they had never seen. They talked about the army, and me. About the baby. They talked about rehab, and combat stress reaction. They talked about the terrible dreams that Edward had, the awful flashbacks that Jasper experienced, the rage Jasper felt, the uselessness, lost feeling that Edward had. The feeling they had when they saw Emmett on the ground.

And the guns and the bullets and the bombs and the noises they all still heard in their sleep. The faces they saw in their dreams. And the letter I had received.

The parade for their regiment was in exactly nine months. Our baby would be one month old. Right then, all the boys vowed that they would help Emmett walk. Emmett would walk - for our baby, and for his parade. And I cried, because they'd all been so horribly brave. I cried because they had not. I cried for what they'd been through, for what Emmett still had to face. And I cried for the baby I carried in my belly, who'd grow up knowing for certain that their daddy was a hero.

Jasper got out of his hotel room last night, and he came in to me. And he curled up in my arms, crying desperately, shaking, unable to tell me why, unable to voice what he'd seen, and he clung to me like a baby, trembling from head to foot, while I sang gently to him, holding him in my arms, rubbing his back, stroking his hair and telling him that it was alright. And in the morning, he looked up at me, and he said thank you, very quietly. I knew he was thanking me for being there, and thanking me for Emmett. And that was fine. He's a long way from better, but I know that one day, my boys are going to be OK.


	10. Dates and Demons

_**A/N: I've kind of abandoned the diary idea. Sometimes there will be extracts from their diaries, but it's pretty much a normal story anyway.**_

JPOV

The sonographer had raised his eyebrows yesterday when Bella had come into his room, followed by me, followed by Edward pushing Emmett in a wheelchair. He asked who Dad was and Emmett raised his arm and waved wildly, with a huge grin and laughing eyes. Bella settled down on the bed thing, and presented herself. Her 12 week scan, and she was letting us all be there. She pulled her top right up, exposing a tiny, almost unnoticeable bump, and the guy had put some jelly on it, which she moaned about being cold. He asked her if she'd had plenty to drink and Bella had retorted she was bursting for the loo and could we make it quick, and could he not press too hard? He laughed, and got down to work. Within moments, he was pointing to a fuzzy outline of a baby, and pointing out the head. Bella burst into tears, followed by Emmett. Within a minute, all four of us were crying. I think the scanner was tearing up too, but he asked Bella if they wanted printouts, and she said yes. She asked for four.

She came by later, and gave me and Edward one each. She also had come to collect Emmett, for her first pre-natal appointment. They explained it when they got back. It had all been their medical history, particularly Bella's, and blood tests, and lots of health checks for Bella to undergo. She was grumbling and irritated when she got back, and this progressed to over-emotional. Emmett rubbed her back and soothed her, reassuring her on all her silly worries, and not one of us dared to breathe a word about it being just hormones. None of us could quite believe this was happening yet.

Today was Emmett's first physiotherapy session. A young English girl with a voice smooth and sultry like thick whipped cream came into his little room, woke him up quite violently, and insisted that he get himself into his wheelchair, pushing me back into my chair with surprising strength when I made to help him.

"Oh no you don't, boy," she said, ignoring the fact she didn't even look twenty. "He'll be doing this on his own, and he'll be hurrying up about it too! Ah, Bella, how are you this morning?"

"Fine thanks, Roxy. Look, this is the baby scan picture. There's her little head." Roxy cooed over the photos, and she and Bella started making a shopping date.

"She?" Emmett demanded from his chair, where he'd managed to wriggle off the bed and into after much adjusting of bed heights and angles. "That's my boy there, Bella."

"Come along, Mr Cullen, we're late already. You should have been ready and waiting, now we'll have to rush." With quite surprising strength for someone so tiny, she wrapped her arms around Emmett's waist and hauled him into an upright position, then pushed him off at speed.

"Can the boys come too?" Bella asked from beside her.

"Yes, if they get a move on, I've got no time for dossing about! I'm a busy woman." We had to move quite fast to keep up with Roxy. I got a good hard look at her, and assessed. Smaller than Bella, who's around five foot four - I guessed at her being around five feet, she was slim, fast, and packing a tight body under the nurses outfit. Hmmm. Suddenly, I find uniform sexy. She wheeled Emmett into a room full of vertical bars and weight machines and treadmills and then got started. A guy in a tracksuit and trainers came over, and he gave us all a big smile.

"Hi, I'm Felix. Roxy here will be your nurse for the duration of your treatment here, and she'll be the one who checks on you afterwards too. So, ready for the hard work?"

EmmettPOV

No, I am not ready for the hard work, I decide, two hours later. I am in agony, I'm sweating absolute buckets and Bella has gone off in search of nourishment. Jasper and Edward are encouraging me gently, and Roxy is checking my pulse while I sit on the floor like a wet blanket. I look at her.

"Roxy, will I be able to walk by October?"

"That's when the baby's due, right?"

"Yes. I promised."

"Work hard, I see no reason why not. But you are definitely done for today. Try and get back in the chair for me." I haul myself back onto my stumpies and wobble. Roxy wheels my chair over. I grab the arms and pull myself into it, then start wriggling around to face the front. "Well done," she says, quietly. Underneath the front, she's all heart, this one is. "How are your legs feeling?" she asks, unstrapping me from the stumpies. I glance around to look for Bella. She isn't back yet.

"Bad. Sore."

"They will do. You're putting pressure on wounds, don't forget that. All your body weight is going onto hard plastic. Do you want me to sort you out some painkillers?"

"As long as -"

"Bella doesn't see, I know."

JPOV

I ask him about Roxy.

"Roxy is brilliant. She knows exactly how far to push someone, and exactly how far to push the pain barrier. She's helped me out a lot."

"Like hiding from Bella exactly how much medicine you need to keep the pain at bay?" He gives me a look.

"Bella has got enough on her plate without worrying about me. She's pregnant, sorting out a transatlantic move, looking after you and Edward, visiting me every single day without fail, and also arranging Esme's move at this end. She doesn't need to know how much pain I'm in."

"So Roxy gets it all?"

"And gives every single swear word right back at me." He gives me another look, and this one is all too familiar. "Like her, do you?"

"No."

"Liar, liar, pants on fire," he taunts me. I roll my eyes, but can't suppress the grin.

"What are we, four?"

"You like her."

"Shut up."

"I will not. Now, I didn't think you were into uniform."

"I wasn't."

"Ah, so you're into her uniform - or into it, as far as getting her out of it goes."

"Emmett, I'm as damaged as you are, except you can't see mine," I say, meeting his blue eyes with my grey. "Iraq nearly killed me." He reaches out, and without thinking, I take his hand. I haven't talked about Iraq since we got back. "I saw - I saw you lying in the fucking sand, bleeding, and I thought you were dead. I felt like someone was trying to rip my damn heart out. I'm screwed up, I wake up screaming and crying like a baby. Who needs someone like me?"

"Hell, Bella's stuck with me, and I'm quite literally half the man I was. Jasper, listen to me. All three of us came back from Iraq with scars. Bella has come out of the army with scars, and she was never in it. You can still be happy. Iraq took so many lives, and it took blood from us all. Don't let it take your life, and don't let it take your chance at happiness. I happen to know Roxy is single. Hell, you're screwed up, we all are. Just because Edward doesn't talk about it doesn't mean he doesn't feel it. Jasper, you're my brother as far as it matters, and in Iraq you were my man, and I was your sergeant. Brother looks out for brother, and a sergeant will die for his men."

"You knew that mine was there, didn't you?" I say, quietly. Without taking his eyes off mine, Emmett nods.

"I noticed the sand wasn't right. We had to get the evacuations finished, so I stood in front of it. I knew everything would direct around me. The depressor wasn't on top of the mine, so I stepped on it without realising. I was going to tell the bomb guys it was there. But it went off, and all I could think was that I was glad it wasn't one of you."

I let him sleep, and go off for a smoke.

"They'll kill you, you know," a soft voice says behind me. I turn to see Roxy. "But as your having one, give one here." She lights up, and we stand in companionable silence for a while.

"Nurses smoking, whatever next?" I ask, and she laughs at me.

"Not often. In fact, rarely."

"Just thought you'd join me?"

"You looked lonely, and sad. I hate being alone when I'm sad. Thought you might like the company. I can go, if you'd prefer."

"No, you're alright. How long you been here then?"

"A year. Graduated from Oxford."

"Straight to Headley?"

"Pulled some strings. My father was a soldier, my mother was an army nurse, and that goes back on both sides. Didn't want to go anywhere else."

"Fair play."

"Did you always want to be a soldier?"

"Right from the first. Edward did too, but he never made it such an obsession. And Emmett was never going to be anything but, until he met Bella. She made him follow his dream, said she'd leave if he stayed for her. She beat herself up about that after the bomb."

"Not her fault."

"No, but she looked after all of us, all the time. She always worried. So this term, we all swore to her, would be our last. We couldn't keep on doing that to her. She objected, but we wouldn't hear it. After a while, she stopped arguing. You could tell she was relieved, even though she tried hiding it."

"You love her?"

"Sister I never had."

She's quiet for a bit.

"You want to go for a drink later?"

"A drink?"

"Yeah, like a pub. A bar, Jasper. We could go for a drink, get to know each other."

"Are you asking me out?" I say, stubbing out my cigarette. She smiles as she stamps on hers.

"Yes. So, I repeat: fancy a drink?"

"Sure," I say. "What time?"

"My shift ends at seven. I'll pick you up from Emmett's room." I watched her walk away in some kind of haze, before springing into action and hurtling off to find Bella. I needed to get some decent jeans, and I had two hours to do it in.


	11. Roxy

JPOV

"You're going where?" Emmett shouted, before leaning back in his chair and laughing his head off. "Bella, did you hear that?"

"No, Emmett, pregnancy has made me go suddenly deaf. Yes, I heard that. Nice going, Jazz."

"Bella, you're missing the point. I don't have anything to wear!"

"Why can't you just wear what you're wearing now?"

"Because those aren't his good jeans, Emmett. Dear goodness, it's been too long since you dated. Come on, back to the flat."

She took me back to our little rented apartment and helped me pick out my good jeans and a button down shirt.

"Wear your leather jacket and talk in that Southern accent, Roxy won't be able to resist."

"How do you know it's Roxy?"

"I know everything - including the fact that Emmett is lying about how many pain meds he takes."

"How the hell did you find that out?"

"It's on his charts. I saw them the first day we got here. Plus I'm not stupid, my mother is a doctor and I have spent my fair share of time in a hospital myself, and I therefore recognise morphine effects when I see them. When's the date?"

"Her shift finishes at seven and she'll pick me up from Emmett's room."

"Well, we'd better be getting you back."

Emmett managed to restrain himself from commenting when I showed up, but he did let out a wolf-whistle when Roxy appeared. She's taken her hair down, and chestnut coloured curls extended to just past her shoulders. She wasn't dressed up too much, wearing jeans and ballet flats. But it was the top that made me stop and stare. Low-cut forest green tunic top, reaching the tops of her thighs, and exposing the gentle swells of her breasts. Her black coat was on but undone.

"Thank you, Emmett. Jasper, you ready to go?"

"Yep, I'm ready."

We saw Bella give Emmett a good slap just before the door closed behind me.

"What was that for?" His indignant demand floats after us, and Roxy laughs.

"She's very good for him, isn't she?"

"She's very good for all of us. Sorry he was so childish."

"That's fine. It's a compliment, I guess."

"Well, you do look nice tonight." I go purple as she splutters with laughter, and that lasts until we get outside. She fastens her trench coat and pulls on leather gloves. April has begun clear, but chilly. I'm surprised Bella let me out without the hat and gloves set she met us at the airport with.

"So, where's this bar?"

"Pub, it's called a pub. You'll have to get used to English slang you know."

"Whatever," I tell her. She laughs again.

"We're driving. Get in the car." We stop by a red Mini.

"This is your car?"

"Hey, this is a nice car. Get in it, or run alongside it." I get in it. "Good choice." We don't talk much while she drives, but it isn't an awkward silence. Its comfortable.

She lets me hold the door open for her when we reach the pub. She does not, however, let me pay, insisting on buying the first round. I give in, if she'll let me pay the second. She orders an Archers and Lemonade, which, when I try a sip, tastes like peaches.

"Chick's drink," I say, raising my Magners and taking a swig.

"Undoubtedly, but also nice and not too alcoholic. My one and only tonight, seeing as I am driving. It's also our first get-to-know-you date, and I don't want to end it standing on the bar and singing, as I reportedly did once."

"That your worst drunk story? I'm disappointed in you." She laughs.

"No, but I'll save the worst. Maybe on some other date."

"I don't know what you expect here, Roxy."

"Not a great deal." She smiles when I look at her. "Jasper, it's a drink, in a pub. I'm not clearing out a closet, and I don't expect commitment and planning the colour of the nursery. I like you, I'll admit that I did think about you whilst naked in the shower before coming to pick you up - I did lie, my shift ended at six, not seven. A girl doesn't like to seem rushed. But it doesn't mean I'm planning to move you in."

"Bloody hell, you're up front, aren't you?" I say, lightly, when I get my breath back.

"I'm English and a nurse. Honey," she says, sipping her drink, "I'm just getting started."

We talk for about three straight hours. About her, about me, about her town, where she grew up on the outskirts of London. We talked about Forks, about being a kid on a ranch in Texas. She questioned me on my standpoint on racism and homophobia, seemed relieved when I assured her I despised both and practiced neither. In turn, I question her about her views on these things, and she told me that she was a feminist, and equality should mean equality for all.

"Jasper, this has been lovely. But my shift tomorrow morning starts at eight, and I have to be up early. I am afraid that you must make up your mind to be without me until tomorrow, when I once more bundle Emmett into his wheelchair and get him into physiotherapy. I'll drive you home."

When we pull up outside the flat, I notice the front room light is still on.

"That'll be Bella, waiting to grill me."

"Tell her you made me pull over on the way home and then ravished me in the back seat."

"Not unless you want her demanding to see the hickeys."

"Hickeys, eh?"

"Every time."

"Not on the first date."

"How about a kiss?" I see her smile by light of the streetlamp.

"Maybe."

"Baby, I don't work with maybe's. I work with yes or no."

"In that case, I think a kiss would be acceptable first date behaviour."

Her mouth is warm and welcoming, her arms an open invitation. The kiss thrums along my veins, my heart jumps. I'd forgotten, I'd forgotten what a woman could feel like in my arms. I undo her seat belt and drag her across the divide into my lap. She moans very quietly, I feel it against my lips rather than hear it. I flick my tongue along her bottom lip, inviting myself, and she opens like a flower against me. I explore her mouth, my hands braced on her back and neck, her hands fisting in my hair.

I have to breathe eventually, and she rests her forehead against mine.

"You'd best get out of the car, or I'll rethink letting you ravish me."

"Some other date," I whisper against her lips, and she smiles, recognising her own words from earlier.

"Indeed." She kisses me this time, and it's soft, a far cry from our earlier entanglement. But it's just as warm, and somehow twice as promising. As I let myself into the flat and turn to wave, I figure that when we get to that "some other date", it'll be memorable.


	12. Sweet Surprises

JPOV

Bella is practically bouncing with excitement. I have a go at sneaking off, but she nabs me in the kitchen.

"So, tell me how it went."

"You are a terrible, terrible gossip lover."

"And it's one of the reasons you love me so much. Tell me, kiddo, or I will give you the god of all Chinese burns." I look her over, decide she means what she says, and give in.

"It was a lovely evening, we had a couple of drinks, conversation, she drove me home."

"And? Your car pulled up five minutes before you got into this house, you weren't sitting out there playing Cats Cradle."

"How do you know? Having yourself a little spying session?"

"I did used to date, you know. Before I got married and so on, Emmett and I did actually go on dates. And I know that when we were making out, Emmett parked a block away so we could make out without arousing Charlie's suspicions. And we built make-out time into our dates."

"Your daddy was chief of police. Emmett, very sensibly, valued his life."

"True. Spill it, come on. I am starved of gossip."

"We kissed." She laughs, and throws her arms around my neck. I hug her back, knowing that she means she likes my news.

"Good. You deserve it, Jazz, you really do. Will you be seeing her again?"

"Maybe. Probably." She holds me at arms length and frowns.

"You didn't even get her phone number did you?" When I shake my head, she rolls her eyes. "Go to bed."

"I want a snack."

"You're getting her phone number tomorrow."

"OK. Can I have a snack now?"

"Yeah. Actually, I quite fancy something myself." Bella's something, is the weirdest pregnancy craving ever. She has acquired a taste for tuna straight out the tin. So she perches on the sofa with a tin of tuna and I sit next to her with a bag of animal biscuits. "Want to feel the baby kicking?"

"Yes." I put my hand on her tummy, and feel a flutter against my hand. "He's all active."

"She's active."

"Yes. Whatever you say. I'm going to turn in."

"Me too. Here, help me up."

"What are you gonna be like when you actually start getting fat?" I deserved it. But I didn't expect her to throw a lamp at the opposite wall and then start crying. I choose life, and edge out of the room.

Emmett waves at Bella when she gets back to the hospital the next day, with me in tow. Edward has volunteered to grocery shop - and to replace the lamp Bella nearly brained me with. He waves with his bad arm, and flaunts it.

"Look, I'm getting used to my mobility. Roxy," he says, with a smirk in my direction, "says that that's good."

"You act like you're five, sometimes," I retort. Yeah, I wish I had a better comeback too.

"Whatever. She'll be here later."

"Emmett," Bella says, laughing, "leave him alone. Did you have breakfast this morning?"

"I had toast. Cold toast."

"What's for lunch today?"

"Toad in the hole."

"Jasper, we could have that for dinner tonight. That good for you?"

"Sure."

"Morning all." A cheerful voice interrupts our dinner plans. Roxy ambles in, writing on a clipboard. She smiles round at Bella and Emmett, winks at me, and shoves a thermometer into Emmett's ear. She wraps a blood pressure cuff around his arm, a pulse measure on his finger and asks him how he's feeling.

"Fine. What's the stats, nurse?"

"Blood pressure normal, temp normal, pulse normal. You're healthy enough for me. I'll get your chair." She disappears back out, but is back within a moment with Emmett's wheelchair, and he gets himself into it. She takes us down to therapy, and Bella makes herself obviously scarce. Roxy takes me aside when we leave Emmett to Felix.

"I had a good time last night."

"So did I," I say. "But Bella nearly had a fit when I told her I hadn't gotten your phone number. So I was thinking, I mean, if you want another date or something, I could get it? Your number, I mean, your phone number -" She puts a finger on my lips and smiles at me.

"You're awful cute when you babble." She digs paper and pen out of her uniform pocket, and scribbles a number down. "Give me yours too, so I can put you in." I borrow her pen, and tear the paper in half, writing my own number down.

"It's temporary, but I'll let you know when it changes."

"I know this is maybe a bit forward for a second date, but would you like to come for dinner sometime?"

"OK. I mean, I'd like that."

We pack up from visiting Emmett that night, and Bella kisses him goodbye.

"I can't come tomorrow, we have to do a shop, OK? So I'll see you on Monday."

"Alright. Miss you already."

"Likewise, honey. Have we got everything, Jasper? Did I give you that book, Emmett? Goodbye for now, then."

RoxyPOV

I go into Emmett on Sunday, and he greets me with a sunny smile - which isn't quite as broad as all the other smiles he gives me.

"Morning. You alright, honey? You don't seem your normal vivacious self."

"Bella can't come today."

"You miss her, huh? Well, she'll be back tomorrow."

"I know, but I've gotten used to her being here, you know. Hey, Roxy?" I make a noise to show I'm listening, but carry on filling in his charts. "Do you think we could work on physio today? I want to arrange a surprise for her."

"I love arranging surprises. What kind of surprise?"

"Do you think I could take a step? Just one, to show her." I sigh, and sit down on his bed, even though it does contravene regulations.

"Emmett, listen to me. Your accident was only five months ago, you've only been doing physio for a month. You have made fantastic progress, nobody is denying that. But if you try and do too much, it will only set you back."

"What are you saying?"

"Emmett, you can't climb mountains in a day. We'll get you down to physio at your normal time. If you can show me and Felix that you can stand unsupported for - lets say a minute - we'll start you walking today. Will that make you happy?"

"Yes. I guess so."

"Do you need a hug?"

"Yes." I give him a big one, and he hooks his arm around my neck. "You know I haven't ever seen Jasper look at girl like he looks at you."

"I am not going to have this conversation with you."

"Fine, fine. Just saying."

"Silence. I'll be back in a hour to take you down to physio. Can I trust you to behave?"

"Probably not."

"Good answer. Make sure you have your lunch. If you're walking today, we want you nourished."

He fights, stands unsupported, and then glowers round. I'm aware more than ever that this man has the army in his blood. Felix gives in to his demands, and he takes his first steps on stumpies, unsupported and bravely holding his head up high.

"You're doing well, Emmett," Felix says, smiling at him. "Now, today I wanted you to try getting yourself up from lying down. You need to be able to do that, using your stumpies, before we put you onto full length legs. Bella's gonna get the surprise of her life when she sees you again."

"I'm going to ring her tonight and ask her to stay away until Friday. As it's Sunday now - do you think that'll be enough time?"

"You know, Emmett, with anyone else, I'd say not in a million years. I don't think you'll be walking on them, but you might well be able to show her you can stand up in stumpies and walk on them, and even take a step or so on full length legs, I'm sure she'll be amazed."

"Yeah, but it won't be the surprise of her life, that was when I proposed." I break into their conversation, loving how alive Emmett's eyes suddenly look.

"How did you propose to Bella? I did ask her, but she refused to tell me, went all red, giggled and then went off very quickly."

"Ha, yeah. I took her, on her nineteenth birthday, back to where we had our first kiss - under the sycamores by the back of the school, and everyone was there for her party. I hid a ring in the bowl of punch, and someone walked up to Bella saying they'd found it, and she gave it to me, talked to her sister, turned back to me when Ness prompted her, and I was down on one knee holding it. She was so embarrassed, but she said yes anyway. I had to make sure later on, I thought she might be saying it because of how public it was. I didn't believe she would actually want to spend the rest of her life with me."

"OK, I normally claim to be the Queen of Darkness - but that's everything I ever wanted. It's adorable. Bella is very lucky. Now we will never mention that I said any of that again, you both understand?"

"Loud and clear."

"Felix?" I growl, menacingly.

"Got it, got it."

Emmett twists round to smile at me.

"Roxy, I know you don't want to talk about it. But Jasper is a good guy, and he needs someone to hold him right now. Desperately needs someone. Please don't let this get serious and then abandon him. I don't think he'll be able to take it."

Later, in the break room, I think about Emmett's words. Jasper does need someone to hold him - and I'm not so sure that I can be that someone. I know that I have serious, serious commitment issues. I get into relationships and then get seriously scared and run. I find a reason - they were too immature, I couldn't make distance work, wasn't ready to make long-distance work, I wasn't mature enough - and I justify it to myself, so I don't feel bad about hurt feelings. Jasper doesn't deserve that, and if I'm going to do this, I need to re-evaluate my views on relationships. I need to make sure that I won't hurt him like I've hurt others, because he's looking like a really good thing in my life. For the first time, I feel stable enough to move on from that rat-bastard who broke my heart, and start somewhere else. God knows, I need to acknowledge that my broken heart is why things failed, and stop blaming something or someone else. I need some closure, and I need Jasper.

_**A/N: For those of you who haven't guessed…Roxy is me. In character, appearance and thoughts, I am writing the character of Roxy as I would write myself. R&R.**_


	13. A Very Special Letter

JPOV

Emmett's let me and Edward into his plan, partly because he needs us to keep Bella away. Edward tried the approach of telling her that Emmett was just busy a lot, so she wouldn't be able to spend time with him. It was blindingly obvious that she wasn't going to buy that in the slightest. I just told her that he said he was up to something and didn't want her interfering. She accepted that and endeavoured to keep busy so she didn't worry herself too much. I knew that sometimes, she thought that he was ill and that we were hiding that from her at his request. I can tell that she's worrying herself silly over it, so on Wednesday night, when I'm lying awake, I'm not surprised to hear her crying. The flat is small, and Edward's room is off the kitchen, as opposed to mine, which is directly next door. I wait for a few minutes, wondering if I should go in or leave her. But she took the choice out of my hands. Her door opened, and she put her head round mine. I sat up immediately, and held out my arms. She rushed into them, and I was struck by how fragile she was in her soft pyjamas and hair in plaits. I could feel her bump as I cradled her and I could feel her tears making my t-shirt damp.

"Bella, he's OK. I swear to you, he's OK. He's just arranging something for you and he's not ill. I promise."

"I know, I know." I don't understand.

"Then why are you crying?"

"God, you're such a bloke."

"Sorry."

"I'm crying because you don't, and I know you and Edward aren't OK." There isn't much we can say to each other.

"Do you want to sleep here tonight?" She nods, snuggling into my side immediately. I hear soft footsteps, and Edward appears in my doorway.

"Can I stay here too?" I nod, and he nudges in beside Bella. I remember that we used to do this when we were little kids. If one of us had a nightmare or a scary dream, we'd run into each other's room and sleep together. And now we've both changed so much and yet we're still each other's safest port. Bella curls up between us, and falls asleep almost immediately. I have some experience of how deeply she sleeps, so I whisper to Edward.

"You awake?"

"Yes."

"How are you?"

"Not so good, Jasper," he murmurs. "You?"

"I'm not so sure. I think a little bit."

"She wants us to see a therapist." He tucks a stray bit of hair out her face, careful not to wake her.

"I know."

"I agree with her," he says, tucking the duvet round his chin and blinking at me owlishly. "Can't be like this all our lives."

"I know." He reaches out in the dark, finds my hand, squeezes reassuringly. I'm fairly sure that that's how we fall asleep, gripping each other's hands, and they rest together on Bella's hip.

BPOV

When I wake up in the morning, their hands are resting millimetres apart on my stomach, right over my bump. I think they fell asleep holding hands. My boys, who need each other now more than ever before. They're only five months away from their regimental parade. Four months until Emmett and I have a baby. I manage to slide out of the bed without waking either of them up. There's post on the mat, and I discover it's already 11.30. That's got to be the best I've slept in months. I look down to check I haven't missed anything, and see my bump. I'm almost positive I wasn't this huge when I went to bed. I drop the post on the table and drop my hands to the bump, rubbing over it. My baby. My baby's making herself known. I look pregnant. Goddamn, I look huge. You think I would have felt that happen. You can even see my bump moving. After I'm done staring in shock, I figure I'd be best off going through the mail. The boys will be shocked enough - if they ever get out of bed. I put the kettle on, flip through the little stack of post - there's a lot more than there normally is. One of the letters is on heavy, posh paper, addressed to Emmett. I open it without even thinking about it. We've been opening each other's post since before we got married. Hell, we've been opening each other's mail for years and years. Since before we were even engaged, before we even lived together.

_Dear Sergeant McCarty_

_It is our pleasure to inform you that you are to receive the Distinguished Service Cross for serving the US Army and distinguishing yourself above and beyond the call of duty at grave risk to your own life. The medal will be awarded at the parade for your regiment which is to take place on October 24__th__ of this year, at Joint Base Lewis-McChord in Washington. You should have received the official invitation and pass to this in the post previously. You may bring no more than two guests. Please write using the enclosed self-addressed envelope to confirm your attendance and your guests (Children under 2 do not count as guests, as we will assume they do not require a seat)._

_US Army High Command._

I don't move for a long time. I just sit at the table, holding the letter, staring down at it. We had the invitation to the parade a month ago, there was no mention of medals. No mention of him being nominated for any awards or anything like that. The Distinguished Service Cross. I can barely breathe. Now he'll always be a hero to everyone. I have to wake the boys up.

"Jasper, Edward, both of you wake up!" They both set up groans of protest. "Oh God, wake up, both of you!"

JPOV

She's relentless. We both pry our eyes opens, and I squint up at Bella - there seems to be a lot more of her this morning, but apparently that isn't what she's excited about. She's waving this sheet of paper around.

"What, Bella, what?" Edward growls, but she doesn't pay much attention to him. She knows how bitchy he is when he's woken up.

"Read!" she orders, thrusting the paper under my nose. I take it from her, sitting up, rubbing the sleep out of my eyes so I can focus. I read through, and then pass it to Edward wordlessly, beaming at Bella.

"Oh my God!" Edward shouts, bounding out of bed.

"I know!" Bella says, coming at me for cuddles. I fling my arms around her, but I really can't get that close.

"I've got something else - what the hell happened to _you_ overnight. This," I say, patting her tummy, "was not here when we went to bed."

"Yeah, yeah, woke up with that this morning." She waves it off impatiently. "I can't wait to tell him!"

"You gotta wait until tomorrow," Edward says, wagging a finger at her sternly.

"Oh, come on," she says, pouting at us. Oh God, that face. I can never resist that face.

"Maybe she could just -"

"No, Jasper." Bella apparently senses that she has an ally, because her and the bump cuddle in beside me, and she looks up, making her eyes all big. "Jasper, I don't care what face she's pulling at you. Don't tell her she can go!"

"She's doing the eye thing, bro. It might not ruin anything if we call ahead."

"Yeah, Edward. I'll not try and see the surprise, I promise. And we can call ahead. Why won't you let me go and see my husband and tell him this wonderful news?"

"Don't make me the bad guy!"

"Please, Edward?" She goes all hurt looking. I know he can't hold out any more than I can.

"Oh… Fine! Fine! But when Emmett asks, I did my level best to stop you both doing this." She actually does a little victory dance and claps her hands. I wouldn't be even slightly surprised is she started saying "Oh, goody goody!" She dances off to change her pyjamas, and Edward goes off to shower. I decide to text Roxy the plan after I've dressed, but my phone vibrates while I'm half in my jeans.

_Hi. How are you? R. x_

_Roxy, hi. I'm good, you? Bella's making us break the time limit, we're coming up to the hospital. J. _

_I'm fine, but why are you coming here?_

_Bella's had good news. She's also got suddenly fat._

_LOL. Don't let her hear you say that! That's pregnancy! What's the news?_

_Can't tell you till after Emmett's heard. We'll be there in maybe half an hour. When's he due in physic?_

_Not until 3, you're safe! I'm on lunch. _

_I've only just got up. I feel shame._

_As well you should. Shall I tell Emmett you're coming?_

_Yeah, tell him we have amazing news. _

_OK. But you better fill me in too - I've been really busy, so I probably won't see you. Dinner? I know a place._

_Sure. That'd be nice : )_

_Great : ) I'll pick you up from your place at half seven. _

_Do I need to wear a tie?_

_No, but put on nice jeans and a shirt._

_Message received. See you tonight._

_Indeed. X_

She makes me smile, I realize, throwing my phone on the bed and finishing up my dressing. I didn't think I'd be able to smile this soon. I need to get a car soon. She can't keep picking me up from all over the place. I'll talk to Bella about getting me on the insurance for her little runabout. It'll do. I want to be able to drive her to places. I scramble into a sweater, and go into Bella's room. She's tucking herself into a cardigan, several discarded sweaters on her bed.

"I couldn't get into any jumpers," she says, smiling at me. "And this is my loosest top. I'll have to go shopping. I'll go after we've seen Emmett."

"Can I come?" I ask, pseudo-casual.

"Why?"

"I have another date with Roxy and she said I'd need to wear a shirt."

"Eeeeee!"

"That was - piercing. Thank you for that."

"Apologies. I'm just excited. Oh, today is just wonderful!" I shake my head at her and hustle her out into the car, calling Edward as we go. "OK, have we got the letter?"

"I have it here," Edward says, waving at her. "Have you got the bump?"

"Check," she says, patting her tummy.

She bounds down the corridor and into his room ahead of us, as we're trying to pretend to be dignified - even if we are as excited as her deep down.

"And what are you doing here? Which one of you caved?" he asks us, in a would-be stern voice. He'd be much more stern if he wasn't smiling like a fool and holding Bella tightly. He can pretend all he wants - this has been hard for him too.

"They both caved," Bella says. "Look at me!"

"Bloody hell, where did that come from?"

"It showed up this morning."

"You're huge!"

"Thanks."

"In the best possible way. Your boobs look great too!" She tries to be annoyed, but it doesn't work. She laughs too much.

"We came for two reasons. To show you our bump and to tell you, you had a letter this morning."

"What did it say?"

"It said you're going to receive the Distinguished Service Cross."

"You are lying to me."

"I am not. Edward, show him the letter." He hands it over, and Emmett reads it in silence.

"Oh my God."

"Are you happy?"

"I'm stunned - I never imagined - I mean - it's an honour."

"It's a deserved honour," I say, looking at him. "And it'll be me cheering the loudest when they call your name." He stares at us. "And I'll be by your side when you go up for that medal."

"And me. I'll write to the Captain myself, and ask for permission for us to escort you up."

"My boys," Bella says, her eyes shining. "My beautiful, brave boys. You're all incredible. And you," she says, stroking Emmett's face, "you're my brave and handsome hero. And me and our baby are going to be so proud of you when you accept it." She kisses him,, and he tucks his hand through her hair and kisses her back. I'm so proud of him.


End file.
